I am?
by May La Nee
Summary: Draco Malfoy is quite the drama queen in neutral state, but when the people he considered his friends stepped on his soul he's no longer capable of seeing the bright side. Extreme drama, M to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

**This fanfic is going to be sad.**

**If you don't like drama taken to extremes you shouldn't read it. Sure, Draco is exaggerating but… Yeah.**

**I don't want people to hate me for it.**

**HE CAN BE RESET AT ANY TIME just shove a chopstick up his nose and he'll be blank again. **

"Doing anything over summer?" Draco Malfoy asked nobody in particular.

Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle and Pandora Parkinson were in the compartment with him, and it had been practically quiet for about ten minutes.

They shifted in their seats a bit. They knew what was coming. "Not really," Crabbe muttered after a few seconds. Draco's face brightened up a bit; "Want to come over?"

No immediate response followed, so Draco repeated the question.

"My parents are taking me to Spain!" Pansy blurted quite suddenly, before pasting on an apologetic smile.

Vincent and Gregory looked at her in amazement, and then turned back to Draco. Pansy had her eyes locked on him as well, and nodded to make her excuse more believable.

"Vince?"

"Yeah erm…" Vincent swallowed and looked outside the window for a second. "We're er… going camping? Going camping, yeah!"

Draco swallowed as Pansy and Vincent grinned broadly at each other.

Gregory broke out in a sweat when Draco locked eyes with him, and he looked at Vincent next to him and Pansy in front of him.

"Greg?" Draco asked after a few seconds.

"Er… No! I can't come because I er…" he swallowed and looked outside too; "I'm gonna… I just can't come;" he suddenly relaxed; "my father will turn fifty so I have to be there. We're going to South Africa to celebrate that. "

"Oh…" that was actually true though, Draco remembered Gregory mention that earlier.

"So Pansy…" Draco started.

"Hm?"

"Going to Italy?"

She nodded happily.

"You said Spain a moment ago."

"I did…?" She looked troubled; "Well… Europe's mainland, right? It's all the same to me!"

Draco gave her a stare; "Why would you rather be anywhere than with me?"

She stared at him with eyes as big as saucers from shock, searching for words. "Well…" She took a deep breath.

"I thought you fancied me, actually," he added, looking more accusing now.

She scooted away from him; "I _used_ to," she nodded, "But… Once you allowed me to it was just…" She bit her lip and looked at the blonde, searching for words; "It was just… Erm… As if I had too much of you?"  
"You had enough of me?"

"Er… Yeah? But not in a bad way, it's just…"

He raised a brow and she continued; "Well.. You seemed so mysterious and cool at first, you know? But… When I got through that it was just… You're so blunt, you know? You speak your mind regardless of who it concerns… Which _can_ be funny, but it's… a bit… painful… sometimes… and you just… You _obsess _over _everything_. Like er… You _always_ want to know exactly why and how and stuff about things even when someone just makes a joke you don't understand, or when I'm late and I say there's no reason for me to be late, and you just ask on and on… and when I say I don't know something you just keep asking how and what while I just _ don't know_, you know?" Pansy took a pause to breathe and seemed surprised by how much she just blurted out once more.

Draco sighed and looked out the window, but Vincent mistook it for eye contact; "Yeah and I'm tired of being called fat and thick, and when I say something back you get all offended."

"I don't get all 'offended'!"

"You're doing it now mate."

"I'm not. offended," Draco said in a much calmer tone, before sighing.

"One thing I don't understand though… Why are you sitting with me now?" He looked at each of them; "I mean… Why do you hang out with me if you hate me so much?"

"You've got candy!" Gregory said nodding convincingly, gaining a poke in the ribs from Vincent. "It's not all bad when there are other people and classes around…" Vincent started carefully, "It's just that… Well… I've been at your place before… And... When there's nothing else you insult _me_, you know? Like you _need_ to insult things and you'd never insult anything you own or that's your family or anything so you just… Take it all out on _me_."

He stared Draco in the eyes, expecting the other to explode or something; "I hate being insulted as much as you do," he added quickly, right before the candy trolley woman passed their compartment.

Gregory only saw her from his peripheral sight but gave Draco a hopeful look. "Don't get me wrong; you're fun to hang out with!" Gregory said, and Draco glared at him; "You didn't say anything." Draco reached in his pocket though, and got a hand full of Knuts.

"You shouldn't mate," Vincent looked at it with eyes big in surprise; "You don't have to _buy_ us…"

Draco rolled his eyes and handed Gregory the money; "It's not like I'll ever run out of," he spat in a bitter tone, watching his 'friend' buy nearly everything off the trolley.

It was quiet now, besides the sound of the train itself and Gregory's munching.

"So…" Draco started after a while, and all eyes were immediately on him. The tension was very uncomfortable so any distraction was gratefully accepted.

"You don't want to stay with me because I'm an insensitive jerk?"

Gregory nodded and chewed on, but Vincent and Pansy rushed to disagree;

"You're a _lot_ of fun to hang out with!" Vincent exclaimed, and Pansy nodded in agreement.

"Just… not when there's nothing to distract you from me?" Draco finished bitterly, but Pansy shook her head; "No; not when there's noting to distract _you_ from _us_."

Draco rolled his eyes. "So why do you tell me this when there's nothing I can do about it?"

"There's _ never_ a good time for this," Pansy said, and Vincent added; "You only just asked!"

Before Draco could reply, Gregory had chewed his candy enough to toss in another reason; "We weren't going to tell you because we didn't want to hurt your feelings."

"So you've been _discussing_ it?"

"Well…" Pansy started, but Draco interrupted her; "I know I could have expected it from _you_, but… Vincent? Gregory?"

They shrugged.

Nobody spoke the rest of the trip.


	2. Chapter 2

Once the Hogwarts Express arrived in London Pansy and the buff boys exited it and rushed off.

It hurt at first, being rejected. But once they started explaining themselves, Draco had built up his defences again.

He wished he never dropped them.

For anyone.

He went way back with Vince and G-… Crabbe and Goyle, but at the moment Draco wished he didn't. It was always tricky to let people in, but now he realized he shouldn't bother with it.

Pans-… Pandora was the first he let in since Hogwarts. After she spent years of dancing around him begging for his attention he finally gave in to her. And Draco being Draco, he let her know exactly who he was, how he was, what he thought, what he had… Everything. Which, apparently, wasn't her taste. Not 'cool' and 'mysterious' enough.

He could always find some girl willing to marry him, and not let her in until after the wedding. That thought made a lump appear in his throat, as he wandered on in the Muggle area of King's Cross Station.

Draco wasn't one to show emotions easily; sure, he could exaggerate as the best, but he wasn't about to randomly burst out crying in a crowd of strangers!

The crowd here was frustrating and he wasn't in the mood to go outside in the sunshine, so he decided to go downstairs, to the underground.

It was better here for some reason. As if the world wasn't forcing itself onto him as much anymore. What was the point in going up anyway? He could order some Muggle cab and…. Wait. He just spent all his money on Goyle's candy.

It didn't matter though; nobody was waiting for him at home.

Couldn't they redo their bloody honeymoon when he was in school? Neither of hem had any real obligations. His Father was a Death Eater, sure, but those existed all over the world. There was no need for him to stay put.

Had Draco ever really let him in? He thought back to when he was younger, but there were only a few memories that were more than images.

One of them was from when Draco was five, maybe six years old. He had recently gotten his very first broomstick, and he had broken a leg after his first unsuccessful landing. When he told his father about it he hadn't been remotely interested; he was going through all wizard magazines and newspapers, trying to find out how the Boy Who Lived got on after his first day in Primary School.

Definitely not a happy memory.

Draco walked on staring ahead, until he found a clean bit of wall to lean against.

His stomach was starting to rumble but he ignored it; food would have to wait until he got home.

His previous memory reminded brought up more memories, but yet again only a few were more than a still. He didn't want to remind himself of how bad he felt, so he only allowed a happy one to play out; he was sitting with his mother at the head of their ridiculously large dining table, and she held her hand over his to guide it in the right direction. He couldn't help but be fed up about his messy letters looked nothing like his mother's graceful curly writing.

The memory made him smile; he couldn't remember touching her after that.

What would his parents be doing now? Where would they have gone? Thinking of what they were doing together made Draco smile; he couldn't help but picture the both of them showering under some waterfall, his mother laughing out as his father wrapped his arms around her.

He had never witnessed scenes as such between them, but thinking that's what they were like when he wasn't there made him happy. The realisation having him around wouldn't allow them to have a good time was quickly tucked away again.

"You all right there young sir?" a Muggle law enforcer in a ridiculously bright yellow vest had walked up to Draco without him noticing. And definitely without him approving.

"Excuse me?" Draco asked. He heard the man just fine but he couldn't quite get his head around why the man would bother asking. He wasn't crying, was he?

"You've been standing here for a good two hours now," the man said, looking at Draco with slight concern. "Are you doing all right?"

Two hours? "Time flies when having fun," Draco mumbled more to himself than anyone, before turning to the man.

The man raised both brows as if to encourage him to keep talking.

"I'm just waiting for a friend," Draco said, relaxing a corner of his mouth.

The man's concern increased, and even though part of Draco appreciated it, most of him wanted the Muggle gone.

"All trains have come in without delay today sir, are you sure they're arriving today?"

Draco swallowed; this man was feeding his self-pity.

"What's it to you?" he asked politely in return. He didn't want to be a complete jerk to even a stranger… being 'cool' and 'mysterious' was what made him likeable, right?

"After the terrorist drama here we like to keep our people safe," the man replied with a polite nod, "And even though you don't look like a possible terrorist we like to treat all people equally."

Draco raised a brow and sighed. He had no clue what the man was on about but he wasn't interested enough to ask; "They said they'd be here 'later today'," he replied, looking the man straight in the eyes. He felt a bit better… Yeah; he was just here waiting for a friend. He just didn't know who it was, where they'd come from or when they'd arrive.

"Well if you need anything; we're all over the station. And there," he pointed a kiosk, "You can find information about train times."

"You seem quite eager to help," the remark came out a bit more annoyed than Draco intended.

"First day on the job," the man ticked his stupid hat with his fingers, "if there's anything I can help you with?"

"No. Thank you."

"There are benches, if y-"

"I _said_ no."

The man, clearly startled by Draco's rudeness, gave him a strange look, muttered 'have a nice day' and walked on.

Slightly surprised by the lack of guilt Draco felt over being rude to this man, Draco leaned back against the wall in a more relaxed way.

Two hours… That's a long time…


	3. Chapter 3

He shrunk his trunk before he got on the train; he had his wand in his pocket and there was nothing in it he couldn't do without until he got home, where his parents could enlarge it again at some point.

But when he leaned against the wall like this he could feel it in his back pocket, and for some reason it really upset him.

It felt as if everyone was looking at him and they all knew he was Draco Malfoy, the most insensitive jerk in Hogwarts, richest wizard in the world, who couldn't get any friends to come home with him and who had all of his possessions shrunken to mouse size.

He pushed that realization away along with the whiny voice that said he spent all his money for getting home on candy for Goyle.

Walking from London to the Wiltshire manor didn't seem like a good idea.

He resorted to staring up at the ceiling and tried to ignore everything else.

The people boarding and exiting trains didn't bother his attention but he did feel self-conscious every time he saw one of those bright yellow vests walk by from his peripheral sight. But he refused to break away from the ceiling.

It was later… A lot later, because Draco's hunger had faded and made place for an empty and yet strangely warm feeling. As if his stomach was angry at him for not feeding it, and it wasn't going to accept food any more now.

The stations seemed abandoned besides him and a mouse that ran over the tracks.

He really didn't want to go home.

"Has your friend arrived yet?" The same man as before had approached, and startled Draco so badly he jumped a bit. "There will be another train coming right?" Draco asked carelessly. The man nodded; "From that platform, yes, are you sure you didn't miss them…? If they're coming from there-"

"I'm sure." Draco stated.

The man nodded, concern on his face far more obvious than before. "After that train I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave, sir. The station closes from 12.15 'till 4.15."

Draco looked at the clock. It was 10.30.

"All right, thank you."

"If you're still here then I will have to ask you to leave."

"You told me that."

The man pressed his lips together and gave a brief faint smile, before turning and walking away.

Draco turned back to the rails.

The mouse was gone.

Draco knew it was ridiculous but now the Muggle and the mouse had left him, he felt more alone than before.

And that stupid mouse-sized trunk of his really wasn't helping; it made him feel ridiculous for even thinking about shrinking it. He reached in his pocket and threw it away. When he heard the leather container hit the tracks, the lump in his throat doubled in size, along with the empty warm feeling in the pit of his stomach.

And he just threw his trunk away… He regretted it now, but then again; he really could afford to get a new one if he wanted. But leaving it there felt… wrong? He couldn't just leave it.

Without a second thought he jumped off the platform onto the rails.

Somehow he immediately felt a few stone lighter; as if he jumped out of his body and he would see himself standing there.

…or the Muggle law enforcer.

He didn't want to check; feeling this light was a blessing compared to how he felt seconds ago. Checking for reality didn't seem like a good idea.

He was here now anyway… and nobody cared for him…

Should he ever go back at all?


	4. Chapter 4

**Somehow I'm not pleased with my way of describing in this fic. I don't know why; I suppose I just screw up when there's just one person in the scene. I really hope you can look through it; the plot will be worth it.**

It was dark ahead, so Draco took his wand; "Lumos!"  
Despite the light of his wand being bright, it didn't shine very far so he still needed to squint to be able to distinguish anything.

After a few seconds he could see the rails split in two directions in the distance.

Feeling very relieved somehow, Draco walked the rails.

This was it, wasn't it?

_This_ was where his life might end.

Who would have thought that Draconis Lucius Malfoy, only heir of the Malfoy Millions, would end his own life in some Muggle-made tunnel?

The thought almost made him smile. This was genuinely the first time in his life he made a decision this important concerning himself.

His stomach roared, and he was glad to be able to ignore it without having to worry for it to come back later. There was a chance he wouldn't be needing anything any more soon.

Now, which tunnel to take? Draco had always been a decent gambler, but right now he didn't know what outcome was best for him.

He decided to just take the left tunnel though; people read from left to right so that seemed reasonable.

He aimed the wand down so he could see where he put his feet to prevent tripping; where he was going didn't matter much. It wasn't like he could get lost here.

Once he was in the tunnel so far that there was no way people could spot him from the platform, he stood still and looked around in the middle of the tracks.

There was nothing to see, nothing to do… He could only see some mouse in the distance. Annoyed by it's sight he put his wand away, allowing the darkness to surround him completely.

It was dark and quiet, except for mice walking and some metallic noises in the distance.  
He swallowed; had he decided on doing the right thing?

Nervously he reached for his wand, but just when he got a hold of it a sudden noise startled him so much he dropped it. _What the hell was that?_ He tried to turn around but tripped, and fell over completely in an attempt to lean against the wall that was further away than he expected.

He could hear the next train coming now. The tunnel in the distance –that's where he came from, right?- was becoming lit quickly, but not enough to be able to see where he dropped his bloody _wand_! He got up again; perhaps it was across the tracks?

Draco was so scared he could feel his intestines become a painful knot.

He fell to his knees trying to find his wand, but he hurt his knee on the track so badly he wasn't able to move for a second.

He cried out and looked up; The light was closing in on him quickly.

It could still take the other tunnel…

_Please_ have it take the other tunnel!

He reached out in a random direction for his wand once more but the pain in his knee was so bad he had to fall back.

The light was so close now Draco couldn't stand it any more. He shut his eyes as tightly as he could, hoping the noise of the train coming closer would bend off soon.

Adrenaline rushed through his veins and he could almost _feel_ it, and for a second he thought he did. The sound of the train became so loud it became a dull beep, the impact of it so hard it numbed him entirely, then the hot pressure of being smothered between air and metal before sensing he was sliding down and torn apart…

* * *

He was sure he _had_ been torn apart, when suddenly the sensation was gone like a dream.

Still on the ground though…

Draco reached around, and found his wand nearly immediately.

He had heard about wizards and witches doing strange things when in despair, but he was sure that feeling as if they were being hit by a train was new.

Perhaps the adrenaline had caused him to hallucinate? Does it even do that?

A bit shivery he got up, and looked around. He wasn't trying to see, but feeling his body attempt made him feel more relieved than he had ever felt before.

"Lumos!" He stared around in the tunnel, and since he was closer to the walls of it than before he could now see what was on them. There were posters, graffiti, and… was that blood?

If that was blood… He felt a sensation of shock go through his body; had he really attempted to do the same thing as this poor fool before him?

Gods; that was… That…

The awkward feeling of having someone stand behind him became really strong very quickly, and Draco turned to check. There was nobody.

Perhaps underground bums had watched him the entire time from some crevice he couldn't see. That'd be distressing…

Draco was definitely fed up with himself now. How could he have been this stupid? He felt watched, and he felt ashamed. What the Hell made him think that taking the chance to be hit by a subway train was a good idea?  
"Bloody…-!"_  
WHY_ did he always overreact like this? What the Hell was wrong with him!?

Fed up with himself he started walking in the direction he thought he came from.

Had he _really...? _ He genuinely could not believe his own stupidity. If his parents ever heard about this they'd surely kill h-… They'd surely be very fed up.

Somehow killing him over genuinely attempting suicide didn't seem appropriate.

And Pansy said he wasn't all bad… He'd just have to mind his bloody words and not insult her or Vince or Greg!

And his parents; they probably did care. Perhaps the weather was just best in his holidays. They never treated him badly, they just weren't the type to have children. That made sense; now if he'd just behave like an adult there'd be no problem.

Or maybe they were testing him by leaving him alone for so long? See if he was mature enough? He'd surely let them down now!

They couldn't find out. No; they were allowed to spot the change in him, but they weren't allowed to know what caused it!

That's right; he wasn't going to try to kill himself over finding out he'd been doing things wrong again. He wasn't going to run away from his problems any more. He was a better man now.

He stated his stomach felt really odd as he reached the light of the platform again.

Still full of adrenaline and in a mild state of shock he got off the tracks onto the platform, heading for the stairs back to the world of the living.


End file.
